All Quotes, Steven Wright

50+ Hilarious Steven Wright Quotes

Steven Wright is an American stand-up comedian. Wright was ranked as the 15th Greatest Comedian by Rolling Stone in its 2017 list of the 50 Greatest Stand-up Comics. Wright was awarded an Oscar in 1989 for Best Short Live-Action Film for The Appointments of Dennis Jennings, which he co-wrote (with Michael Armstrong) and starred in. He received two Emmy nominations as part of the producing team of Louie, first in 2014 and again in 2015.

Steven Wright worked in numerous movies including The Aristocrats, The Muse, Men of Respect, Desperately Seeking Susan, When Stand Up Stood Out. He worked as a voice artist in The Emoji Movie. In a 2005 poll to find The Comedian's Comedian, he was voted among the top 50 comedy acts by fellow comedians and comedy insiders. He was named No. 23 on Comedy Central's list of the 100 greatest stand-up comics.

This is a collection of 50+ Hilarious Steven Wright Quotes.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. Steven Wright
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Steven Wright
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. Steven Wright
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. Steven Wright
What a nice night for an evening. Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. Steven Wright
My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time. Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. Steven Wright
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. Steven Wright
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. Steven Wright
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. Steven Wright
Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. Steven Wright
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. Steven Wright
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? Steven Wright
I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. Steven Wright
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? Steven Wright
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. Steven Wright
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Steven Wright
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Steven Wright
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. Steven Wright
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film. Steven Wright
So, do you live around here often? Steven Wright
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. Steven Wright
I invented the cordless extension cord. Steven Wright
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Steven Wright
OK, so what's the speed of dark? Steven Wright
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. Steven Wright
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. Steven Wright
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. Steven Wright
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Steven Wright
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had. Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. Steven Wright
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Steven Wright
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one. Steven Wright
I thought I would be a guy on the radio. Steven Wright
What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Steven Wright
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it? Steven Wright
A metaphor is like a simile. Steven Wright
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. Steven Wright
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Steven Wright
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”? Steven Wright
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Steven Wright
You can't have everything ... where would you put it? Steven Wright
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity? Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. Steven Wright
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! Steven Wright
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Steven Wright

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